Thursday, September 30, 2010

What started out as a recipe post, has turned into a confessional

While this post is a result of a recent web search, I have been struggling with this for the past two years. This post while helpful for me, is at the same time VERY emotional for me to sit down and put into words. So please excuse me if I start to ramble.

Have you ever known something about yourself, but almost refused to accept or see it? If you have answered yes, you are not alone. In January of 2009 I was diagnosed with PCOS. What the Heck is that? PCOS is a term that has forever changed my life. It means Poly Csytic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is commonly linked to infirtility. Which is what led to the diagnosis I received.

My husband and I were married in August of 2007. He and I both wanted children right away. Through various pre-marriage discussions we decided to take a leap of faith and not use any kind of birth control. That December I took my first pregnancy test. It was negative. January came and went as normal. February, I took my second, third, fourth and fifth pregnancy tests. I ended up being 20 days late!!! This has never before happened! Never!! March came and went. Nothing. April... May... Nothing! June came as a shock, I was finally "normal" again. I had started to get pretty worried at this point, but had been reading on the Internet that stress, and a few other factors in my life were probably the reasons for my recent monthly changes. July came and was almost over when I started to get a weird and quite uncomfortable ache in my stomach. I was nauseous, and tired. I was also, well to say cranky would be putting it mildly. My husband and I both began to feel hopeful that things were finally happening for us. So, again with the home pregnancy tests. ALL NEGATIVE! ALL OF THEM!! Not that I took that many. Maybe 4 or 5... The point was, it that I was only making my self more crazy with each test. Each month after that, I grew increasingly sad, and then frustrated. I kept wondering what was wrong, but didn't want to believe that something could have actually been wrong. My husband finally convinced me to see a doctor and at least get some peace of mind.

I went to the Dr.

He ran all kinds of test based on the story and information that I had given him. Before leaving his office, he had explained that it could be a syndrome where cysts form on a woman's ovaries causing them not to ovulate, therefore making it almost impossible have any sort of normal life, for those who are trying to get pregnant. Before he could confirm that I had this syndrome he had to run a few specific tests. He took blood, and sent me off site to get an ultrasound done. By the way, and I have no idea of this at the time, not all ultrasounds are external. Especially when your grandma wants to come along with you to give you moral support. How was I supposed to know. 'Nuff said!!

Three days later I get a call saying my results are in, and that I need to make and appt to have my Dr read me the results. As I sat in the pretty room looking at my ovaries on a monitor, I found an answer to what was going on. I had two 6cm cysts on my left ovary. The rest of the visit was pretty much a blur, I could not take my eyes off the monitor and the two cysts that stood between me and motherhood. By the way, this condition affects only 5-10% of women in the world . And is a main cause of infertility in those women. I walked slowly to my car, holding pamphlets that were supposed to reassure me that I was not alone, and that there was hope. Yeah Right... I sat in my car and just cried. I have since January 2009 cried every single month, when the dream of being a mother has slipped further and further away. I am angry. My poor sweet husband has sat with me and cried, and sat with me while I have yelled, and have thrown fits of utter frustration.

Some days I only get through the day because I KNOW that there is hope. I just have moments when I choose to not believe it. Because of this syndrome, I have not been able to maintain a healthy weight. And because of my weight, I have not been able to treat the syndrome properly. So, for months I have ignored it. February of this year, I started to work out harder than I have since I tot married. I was working out 4 to 5 times a week. I worked out like this until June. Skipping workout sessions for a week at a time was not unheard of, but I really felt like I was giving it a proper effort. Those around me who were working out just like I was, were starting to lose, but not me. I DID NOT LOSE ONE FREAKING POUND! Not a one. I have not been back to the gym since June. Thankfully, I have not gained anymore weight, but I most certainly have not lost any either.

Ok, so now that I have vented I am coming to a resolution. My husband is away on a hunt this week, and I am all alone. For some reason this evening, tonight I came home and felt the need to once again to research how I can lose weight, and hopefully eliminate the effects of my PCOS. I want to not only become physically healthy, but I want to become emotionally healthy again. I have a little more hope today for the future than I did yesterday.

I knew that becuase of the PCOS my body creates an insulin resistance. I thought I knew what foods to eat, and stay away from, but before tonight, I didnt REALLY understand them. Or at least I have not been as receptive of this information. I guess I was really ready receive the information.

I am starting a new lifestyle tomorrow. Starting with this simple breakfast. And you know what? It happens to be one of my favorite breakfast meals!!

Here is to Hoping again!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I understand exactly what you are going through. My story is very similar. Eventually, I've found the pain of being unable to get pregnant naturally does go away. I've been focusing on my career and for a long time I couldn't. I couldn't focus on anything and everyone around me was pregnant or getting pregnant even those who weren't necessarily ready. I also have PCOS along with hypothyroidism which don't make things easy. We're going for IVF in a few months! Best wishes for your new lifestyle change.